6 Things Intended Parents Wish Everyone Knew—and Why Kindness Is Vital

Written by Nodal Staff

October 6, 2022

Intended parents weigh in and they tell all (and we happily invite it).

If you're an intended parent, you've heard a thing or two (or 47) from other people about your journey. And if you're on this road to family building, you also know that curiosity—and often feigned concern—can be exhausting and sometimes offensive.

Ahead, you'll find a few reminders from intended parents about why their surrogacy experience is a personal one (read: keep your "advice" to yourself), as well as what they hope people will better understand—this journey hasn't been easy, so show a bit of kindness, please?

Nope, our surrogate isn’t related to our baby (but she is kind of like family to us). 

Intended parents are grateful for their surrogates, and many even choose to maintain a relationship once their baby has arrived. But the surrogate we worked with is not our baby’s mother. And she didn’t “give us her baby”—that’s adoption, and while it’s a beautiful family-building option, something else entirely.

Related: 6 Things Every Surrogate Wishes People Knew

No, we’re not worried about bonding with the baby. 

Parents without pregnancy experience have no problem bonding with their babies. That's just not a thing. We stayed up all night getting pooped on. Trust us—we’re bonded. 

Our reasons for having our baby with a surrogate are no one’s business by ours. 

There’s no right or wrong reason to have your baby via surrogate. But for many of us, it’s a long fertility journey that, honestly, is a little exhausting and personal to get into with everyone we meet. 

"We stayed up all night getting pooped on. Trust us—we’re bonded."

Our surrogate is (or was) our partner in bringing our baby into the world—she wasn’t our employee, and we didn’t “rent her womb.”

Why do some people insist on using the creepiest language to talk about surrogacy? Our surrogate is someone we respect tremendously and who loved doing this incredible act. She’s cool, and we're cool—stop making it weird. 

Not everyone who works with a surrogate is super rich. 

Surrogacy is definitely not a cheap way to have a baby, but for parents who dealt with fertility challenges, well, none of the options are cheap. But most of us aren’t just casually writing huge checks. We’re saving, scrounging, and throwing everything we’ve got at this process. That’s how we want to grow our family. 

Related: 6 Surrogacy Instagram Accounts We Love

We didn’t just “want to skip pregnancy.” 

Most people who have babies via surrogate would give anything to be able to carry a pregnancy on their own. For most parents, surrogacy is the only option for having a biological child. Not getting to experience pregnancy isn’t a relief or a shortcut; it’s a sacrifice and a loss. (And sure, maybe some moms just don’t want to be pregnant, and why does anyone need to judge that? Let’s all mind our business and enjoy the cute baby.)

The bottom line: 

Our family-building journey has been full of challenges along the way—please don't be one of them.

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